I read the catch phrase ‘harboring of resentment is fatal’ more than twenty years ago and have come to understand that it’s something that the world needs to pay attention to, especially now. Resentment according to Wikipedia’s definition is as follows: Resentment is the experience of a negative emotion felt as a result of a real or imagined wrong done. Etymologically, the word originates from French "ressentir", re-, intensive prefix, and sentir "to feel"; from the Latin "sentire". The English word has become synonymous with anger, spite, and bitterness. Therefore one can only conclude that a life that includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. Doesn’t sound very appealing when you put it that way now does it?
I can honestly tell you over the years that the hours I allowed futility and unhappiness in my life was not time well spent. They were issues that I had no control over. Resentments have been a waste of time. They have robbed me of joy. They have held me back. I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth.
When I have resentments it has shut me off from important things, like learning new things, or meeting a new friend. I started tackling my list of them years ago. I wanted nothing to hamper the maintenance and growth of my spirituality. They say that having numerous resentments gives you the feeling of being unwell and unloved. It is that insane thinking that just leads to more insane thinking… I think you get the picture.
There were many moments in 2009 when I went to see my high school friends at a reunion. More than thirty years had passed and with it came much joy and laughter. The flipside however, was not looking so good. You see resentment had created somewhat of a physical poison in my body, and there was someone in particular I didn’t especially want to see there. I went as far as wanting the committee not to invite him even though I’d been told he had really changed. Yeah, right. Who’s really changed? Most of the changes take place on a physical rather than an emotional level. Or could I be wrong?
When I think about what I’ve learned over the years about resentment I know that the first lesson is that they cannot be cleared up until we know we have them and why. What’s the second lesson? I have made myself vulnerable to the outside world to an extraordinary extent. Our entire self-concept has been molded by the opinions and actions of others. It’s also our old way of thinking as to what we ought to be and what we were.
It was necessary for me to be willing to let go of the resentment in the first place. And timing is everything. I must forgive the person I had resented for all these years. I merely accepted the fact that right now that I was going to have to do it!
I live my life now on a different basis and it is one based on trust. The changed that happened inside me was that of looking at others with a kind and tolerant view. The art of forgiveness is putting out of our minds the wrongs others had done and looked instead at our own mistakes. I had to think if I had we been selfish, dishonest, self-seeking or frightened? No situation has been entirely my fault, but I needed to look at my part, not to take someone else’s inventory.
The question of how to approach the person we had problems with can be a tricky one. Sometimes they have done me more harm than we can imagine. Now when I think about the reunion that night it was there I encountered the junior high school bully. I came face to face with him and he kissed me on the cheek as if we were old friends. I had no idea what to do, so I avoided the confrontation altogether. Many had a field day with him at the reunion how he had hurt them, what a jerk he was... I thought, why join in on the lynch mob? It wasn’t worth it to me. I had more important people I wanted to see, to get caught up with and I did.
Six months later, as fate would have it I ran into him, it was a one in a million chance and it would never come again. An awkward moment to say the least, and we discussed what happened years ago and I apologized for not talking to him when I saw him, and promptly forgave him. It wasn’t as difficult as I thought it would be, either. As a matter of fact, it was easy. The timing was perfect. Life’s too short to keep carrying around the baggage… so I just dropped it off, never to be opened up or brought up again.
The bottom line was I had acquired a better attitude toward him. Many are not keen about admitting their faults, mine that day was to merely forgive him and not get into the why and what was the reason behind his thinking. It was a mutually beneficial experience, and one of the most gratifying experiences I’d ever had. I had a forgiving spirit that day. Under no condition did I want to criticize him or argue. I simply had the conviction to just let it go. And it felt good.
No comments:
Post a Comment